Making the important recognition that healthy relationships are not comprised of two halves but rather two whole people, wholly devoted to creating a container that allows each person the space to be themselves is the beginning of the work. This work is a gradual process that responds best to how we set our daily intentions.
I have recently become rededicated to the power of goal setting. I have come back to make long lists of things I aspire to become or want to get done. And even if I only check back on them once a week, I am perpetually amazed at how focusing my attention on where I want to go, changes my life. I had forgotten how years ago, when I taught life and career workshops, week 3 was always dedicated to the power of the written intention as a force capable of shaping one’s life direction. If you have never tried writing down your goals, begin with a to-do list that you update and it will surprise you in the first week at how easily you can align your attention with your intentions. Claiming your own life direction through the written practice of goal setting has boldness and magic in it and is an easy and productive method of revitalizing your intimate relationships as well.
Not surprisingly, working together with your partner on a shared goal setting practice is often even more powerful. The simple act of building a shared vision and agreeing to a language that identifies both partners’ intentions and aspirations for your relationship as well as each of your individual goals, literally brings both partners onto the same life map. Setting agreements about where you are headed and investing in each other’s why will not only help to keep you moving forward, but will help you find center again when either one strays too far. The act of sharing your goals also provides a legitimacy to the redirecting sometimes required when one or the other of you gets distracted. Deeper still, setting shared goals becomes the rudder righting the relations-ship for a shared journey.
Our intimate partnerships imbued with clear goal setting become a space of healthy expectations as well. By holding each other accountable to our best selves, we have a true mirror of who we are working to become. This is important not just in the goals we set for ourselves but also in the ways that we become more able to take responsibility for the direction of our life. Setting realistic goals makes us less likely to blame our circumstances or other people for where we find ourselves and more able to exercise our ability to choose what really matters for us. This freedom expands our capacity for intimacy as well. When we replace our propensity towards blaming our partner and we realize how we are creating the relationship dynamics we are in, we arrive at an awakened state which has the capacity to renews itself. Our dedication to our good intentions lead us towards the goals we have for ourselves and the ways we want to love and be loved. This process of taking full responsibility and giving up our tendency to blame in our relationships i requires you to be constantly doing your own personal work.
People who are focused on continuous and conscious self direction are doing the work of wholeness that makes love more available. When your emotional connection and capacity is only of your creation you are always acting from the heart. Carl Jung once wrote, “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart …Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”
-Wendy Strgr, Good Clean Love, Loveologist